I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
