At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
