I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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