turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
