Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
