It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
