So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
