Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The uberlube is also flammable
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
