I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
