Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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