I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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