awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
