Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
last night I used snow as a chaser
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
