The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
