Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
