The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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