god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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