p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
