just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
