I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You're a waste of cheezeits
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
