My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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