Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
