I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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