The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
