Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
