I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
