You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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