I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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