Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
