It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
