i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
