Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
