I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
