i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
