if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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