I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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