You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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