Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
