Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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