Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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