you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am naked and annoyed.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
