She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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