hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
