i wish my penis had a tongue
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
