do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
