I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I bet he comes in French.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
