I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
