i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
