I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
