im drinking this country out of the recession.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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