tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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