It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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